Posted in Chronic illness, Thoughts


The colonoscopy didn’t happen. I had to take medication as a bowel prep. I drank 100ml of it (out of 2000ml) and started being violently sick. Now it has to be rescheduled with a different prep medication.

I’m just so fed up of one thing after another going wrong. Everything is making my depression worse. I’m having suicidal thoughts, though I’m not acting on them yet. My doctor has upped my antidepressant and referred me back to a therapist.

Sometimes it seems like the darkness will never end.

Posted in Thoughts

Easter and chocolate 

I saw a video the other day of a young girl asking why she gets so much chocolate at Easter, Christmas, birthdays and Halloween, yet the rest of the year is told chocolate is bad for you and you shouldn’t eat too much.

I find it difficult to maintain a stable weight around Easter because there’s so much chocolate that is only in the shops during Easter. Because it’s not available the rest of the year, I find it difficult to eat sensibly because I know there’s a limit imposed by the shops. After Easter I won’t be able to eat mini eggs because they won’t be sold anymore. 

There’s no special Christmas or Halloween chocolate that I particularly enjoy that isn’t available all year so I don’t have the same problem at other times of year but Easter is always difficult. It’s like one long chocolate binge. 

And I know other people have the same problem.

But it’s nearly over now. I just have to eat up what’s left in the cupboard and there will be no Easter chocolate left by the next time I go to the shops. But the guilt is there still. Partly it’s related to the fact I know chocolate is bad for me nutritionally. Partly it’s societal pressure to eat well and maintain a good body, something I’m particularly struggling with this year as I’m on steroids which are making me gain weight. And partly it’s because I have a history of an eating disorder.

But soon it will be over. I’m looking forward to it being over. I want it finished with so that it’s easier to eat healthily. I want it over so I feel more in control of what I’m eating.

It’s odd to look forward to a holiday, enjoying the extra time with family, but also wanting it to be over and done with as quickly as possible. It’s the only holiday I have this problem with.

Here’s to a better Easter next year.

Posted in Thoughts

Sexism in law enforcement 

Today I was scrolling  through BBC news and I found a news article that made me feel quite sick.

A man has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for beating his wife with a cricket bat and forcing her to drink bleach. Firstly, 18 months is nowhere near long enough for such extreme domestic abuse.

But what made me feel sick was this was a resentencing. At first, he wasn’t given any time in prison, because he had claimed that he had a contract to play professional cricket. He was resentenced after it came to light that that was a lie. There was no contract. But if there had been a contract, he would have affectingly ‘got away with it’ all because he had a ‘bright future’ ahead of him.

I know these things happen. Men’s futures are put ahead of the harm they have done to women. But they had done it so brazenly. They hadn’t made any excuse about why he shouldn’t have gone to prison. They made it quite clear that it was because of the cricket contract. 

I’ve always thought judges did this because the men were young and they convinced themselves that the men didn’t understand the consequences of their actions. In this case, the man is 33. He’s definitely old enough to understand that his actions would effect his future. A man of 18 should also understand this in my opinion but I could understand a judge thinking they were too young.

This news article has sickened me. It’s really shocked me into realising just how disturbing the sexism is in our society, just how widespread and ingrained it is, because of how brazenly the judge did this.

Sometimes I feel like we will never get rid of sexism. Sometimes I feel like giving up hope. That is one of those times.

Posted in Thoughts

If I could…

If I could vanish one thing. If I could make one thing disappear from the world, what would it be?

It’s a question that’s appeared on Facebook a lot of times. And there’s many great answers. HIV. Cancer. Donald Trump. ISIS.

My thoughts on this question and questions like it such as ‘if I had one wish’, ‘if I had £1million’, ‘if I had one superpower’ is how to make it go as far as possible. How can I have the most impact?

For example, getting rid of Donald Trump will likely have a bigger impact than getting rid of that irritating neighbour.

So I have a few possible answers for this question.

1) Illness- This would cover all chronic illnesses, both mental and physical. And it would also cover that dreaded winter cold. Everyone would be fit for work all year round as well so there would also be positive impact on the economy.

2) corruption- This would wipe out a lot of politicians and we would know that the ones left have our best interests at heart. I believe it would also bring an end to a lot of wars and to ISIS. 

3) environmental problems- Global warming, droughts causing lack of food, pollution of seas, melting ice caps. Everything would be brought back to where it should be in one go.

4) inequality- this would bring an end to homophobia, racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism. All the isms. And we would all be economically equal, ending hunger and poverty.

If I was really given the choice, I would not be able to resist choosing illness. I have a chronic illness and I would be selfish and choose illness, though the other options are all good too.

This is entirely hypothetical as no one ever has the opportunity to actually make something like this vanish. But the question of ‘how can I make the most impact?’ Should be something we all think about more. And I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. 

Every minute, we have choices as to how we can make an impact. On the world, or on ourselves. Maybe the biggest impact you can make one minute is choosing the stairs instead of the lift and getting some exercise. But maybe another minute you will decide to learn something new instead of watching tv. And maybe another minute you will give up your job as a doctor to move countries and work providing healthcare to people living in poverty.

Every minute we can make an impact on our futures and we should be thinking about how to make the most impact. Is watching that new game of thrones episode going to have more of an impact than practising guitar?

What would you vanish? And how can you make the most impact?
This post was inspired by this.